With the good comes the bad and in the world of Film, it is no different. I don’t usually like to get angry about Films or TV but when they’re this bunch, I can make an exception. Or ten exceptions.
10. X-Men: Apocalypse
A narrative mess that retreads the same steps of First Class and Days of Future Past whilst developing the characters in no new or interesting ways. There was literally no need to jump forward another decade and in doing so it robs the film of any authenticity. It’s cheesy, CGI heavy and a complete catastrophe.
Lowlight: The obligatory Wolverine cameo
9. Special Correspondents
Apart from being not very funny and narratively uninspired, it also has outdated views on geek culture and people who collect things, morally reminiscent of the pilot of The Big Bang Theory. It’s also more proof that when he’s not working with Stephen Merchant or The Muppets, Ricky Gervais can’t make a decent film.
Lowlight: Geek shaming
8. Absolutely Fabulous
I’ve never seen the show but I know of it. Yet, this fairly plain and drab big screen adaptation barely raises a couple of chuckles beyond its two leads well-worn performances. There’s no soul and the parade of celebratory cameos are no substitute for actual jokes.
Lowlight: Cloy pond aka the forced emotion in a swimming pool
7. Dads Army
Similarly to Ab Fab but with genius casting for the original sitcom actors. Still, with the forced inclusion of sex appeal and the lairy reactions of the men, it dribbles along without any of the wit of its originator. Another instance where it’s the actors who get the laughs from their performances, not the actual script.
Lowlight: I don’t remember anything that happens in this film
6. Me Before You
I like Emilia Clarke, I do, but here she was clearly told to be unbearably quirky and twee to the point of utter infuriation. Her face moves like no other face ever has and that’s all I could focus on. Then there’s the torpid, cloying cliches and quaint portrayal of England with a mix of X-Factor pop songs and sob story segments. That’s all before the controversial portrayal of disability at the end, but by then I had lost all patience.
Lowlight: The eyebrows won’t stop moving
5. Jason Bourne
I was never a big fan of the Bourne series but I thought this one might be different. It wasn’t. Mind numbingly boring in every scene outside of the action ones and with characters so lacking in motivation and purpose that they could be chopped and changed with literally anybody from one of the previous films. A stupid, stagnant string of set pieces tied together by a plot so thin it couldn’t hold a two-word synopsis.
Lowlight: Any scene where characters stand looking at screens telling us what’s going on
I respect Duncan Jones and his vision but this film broke the rules set by films like Serenity. If you’re making a film that already has a pre-set fanbase, you’ve got to finely balance introducing a new audience and satisfying old fans. Warcraft fails on the first count, at least. It was dull, convoluted and shonkily made.
Lowlight: Sequel set-up
3. The Legend of Tarzan
Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. I love Margot Robbie but how could they make her a damsel in distress and Alexander thingamy was plain and boring and Christoph Waltz did his truncated Waltzy performance and Samuel L Jackson was the bizarre, outdated bumbling sidekick and the CGI was rubbish and it was so boring and urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Real sentences do not come together for films this bad.
Lowlight: Damsel in distress
2. Hardcore Henry
Last year two identical films came out about white, bald, besuited men who drove fast casts, shot foreign bad guys and got the girl. Hardcore Henry has one thing going for it. It’s POV style. However, whilst this technique is sort of entertaining in a five minute Facebook video. For an hour and a half film, it sucks ass.
Male fantasy porn at its worst with thankless female roles, a gurning, multi-faced performance from Sharlto Copley and about as much dramatic substance as a carrier bag caught by a warm breeze.
Lowlight: The POV bit
God help me for being ever so slightly interested in this movie earlier in the year. Jesus. THEY LITERALLY CLIMB INTO AN ELEPHANTS VAGINA. THEY THINK DANIEL RADCLIFFE GETTING AIDS IS SOMEHOW FUNNY. WHAT? WAT? WUT? IS this is a movie or a marketing exercise in shock comedy? WHY THE FUCKING FUCK? FUCK THIS MOVIE. Poor Gabourney Sidibe. Poor anyone who sees this with their eyes. Burn it. Burn it with hellfire and never, EVER speak of it again.
If they remade A Clockwork Orange they could use this as…you get the idea.
Midnight Special: I was bored
Suicide Squad: A monumental dissapointment